When the rejection letter walks into a family…

May 28

Last August, yet another student let out a big sigh as he sat back in my office armchair, shut his laptop, and smiled.

His personal statement and supplemental essays had been drafted, rewritten, and polished until they practically glowed. Every Google Doc comment had been resolved, and he'd just clicked “Submit.” 🙌

My student, let’s call him Tim, had done everything “right.”

He’d researched the programs, toured the campuses, and could explain — convincingly — why this specific plan of study was the one for him.

And I cheered him on all the way.

The hard part felt done… until February arrived. 📅

The email landed before he left for school. One carefully worded sentence in polite, professional admissions-speak. A “Thanks, but not us” message.

For many students (and, if I'm honest, families), that moment can create an emotional free-fall. A slammed laptop, a locked bedroom door, and hours of tears or deep silence. The spiral of what ifs and we should haves begins. The grief is so real, the disappointment can be heartbreaking, and suddenly everything feels raw and amplified.

Some families slip into crisis mode, trying to soothe, fix, and even fast-forward through those uncomfortable feelings.

And that “fix-it and move on” reaction makes sense. It’s human. And it's what happens all too often when there hasn't been a stronger foundation built under the applying-to-college building.

But there’s another way — the one I prepared Tim for. And one I've slowly developed over a decade of working with teens throughout the process.

It’s quieter. Less cinematic. As a result, he read the email, exhaled with a disappointed sigh, and said something like, “Right, onto Plan B then.”

Not because he didn’t care — he totally does — but because even though he had a “Number One,” there are other great-for-him schools on his list. Other places he can picture himself. And plenty of yeses already waiting in the wings. And he knows it.

The same “not us” email comes to tens of thousands of seniors in the spring of each year. Yet, students have completely different experiences.

And only because of what was built beforehand.

The Danger of
Emotional Squatting 🏠

This is the part of the college process that I talked about in my most recent newsletter: how early certainty sneaks in and hardens before the process is actually complete.

By winter, many families are emotionally “squatting” inside an imagined future. The dorm room decor Pinterest board is full. The school's Instagram or Facebook pages are “liked” daily. And the teens are already talking to their friends about “when” (not “if”).

So when the answer is no, the floor doesn’t just creak, it collapses. But it doesn't have to be this way…

For years, I've recognized the value of admissions season.

It's a time for our seniors to mature as they clarify more of their preferences and interests. They start to dream of a future, their future. And they change immensely inside this 12-month window that sometimes ends with a mandatory pivot of plans.

Sure, sometimes the school decides for them, but just as often, the shift comes from the student.

They have new thoughts.

They realize they want a different vibe.

Their best friend commits elsewhere.

The campus that felt perfect in August sunshine feels… less so in February cold.

And none of that means something went wrong.

It means the process is doing exactly what it’s meant to do.

The “I’m Good” Factor
(a.k.a. The Power of the List) 📃

I was recently talking with one of my seniors. He perfectly captured what happens when one school didn’t get to own his happiness.

His dream school hadn’t even released its decisions yet — yes, some admissions offices move with the glacial speed of a dial-up modem — but he’d already been accepted to UNC–Chapel Hill (his #2 choice back in October).

When we talked about the looming decision day, there was no panic, no bargaining with the universe, and no refreshing his inbox every 13 seconds.

“Even though that’s not quite my top choice — and I still might go to Georgia Tech if I get accepted,” he said, “I’m good.”

That "I’m good" isn't just a casual comment; it’s freedom. To me, that’s the sound of a student who has successfully de-risked their own future.

See, most families build a list that looks like this:

one "Soulmate School" at the top 💍
a pile of "Safety Schools" at the bottom (that the student has never really pictured themselves attending).

And I think that with a small mindset shift, there's a better way.

My preferred "No-Loser List" means every school on a student's list is one where a teen would actually be excited to show up on day one.

That “I’m good” calm didn’t come from lucky genes; it came from having a list so solid that a rejection from his #1 wouldn't even be a plot twist in his story.

It would just be a footnote.

The Safety Net
That Doesn’t Feel Like One 🕸️

The difference between a devastating decision and a manageable bummer rarely comes down to the school.

This is the principle I repeat until I’m blue in the face: the goal isn’t to find The One. It’s to find The Many, so your teen is never at the mercy of an admissions officer’s mood of the day or a victim of a quota their family has no control over. (For example, a few years ago I worked with a teen at an academically rigorous college-prep high school where only eight seniors were accepted to the University of Maryland — not because others couldn’t thrive at College Park, but because that was the school’s quota.)

If your teen only loves their reach school, they’re essentially walking a tightrope with no net 🎪. But when together, you build a list of schools they’d genuinely be excited to attend for a half-dozen reasons, then the final outcome lands differently.

A rejection still stings. (Haven't we all mourned things we couldn't have…even as we felt the possibility of something better or new?!?
But with a more robustly collected college list, a "no" just lands softer. And that's leverage and emotional maturity.

Or, said another way, it's your thorough preparation doing its job.

A PSA for Parents of Juniors 🛣️

This message matters for seniors navigating a “no” right now. I love the title of Frank Bruni's book, “Where You Go Is Not Who You'll Become.” It says it all: A particular college doesn't determine your future happiness or success. You do.

And this brings me to a message for parents of juniors.

Recognize that seniors are living inside the lists they built last year. Juniors are still building theirs — and that’s where your leverage lies.

Junior year is like that wide-open stretch of highway: no traffic, a full tank, and just enough calm to assume the road will always feel this generous. And because it feels that way now, it’s easy to think there’s plenty of time to build a list.

But by the time August arrives (and the deadlines are in sight), the lanes narrow, construction cones appear, and forward motion slows to a crawl. 🚧

Almost without warming, the conversation shifts from “let’s explore” to “we need to decide,” — not because anyone messed up, but because the road changed and now there's not much time until you need to arrive at your destination. (And as I tell all my rising seniors, “This final year of high school is busier than you've ever imagined. You've heard junior year is hard? Well, senior year is too, but in a completely different way!”)

Starting early doesn’t mean white-knuckling the wheel. It means taking advantage of the open road of the next few months and building a list so well-considered that your teen doesn’t need to cling to a single Soulmate School.

Plus, this is where I have the time with my students to clarify those preferences and interests, to help them be strategic about what to actually do with that information, and to make a clear plan that sets them up for a super successful senior year and admissions season.

👉 So, if you’re parenting a junior and mentally bookmarking this for “later,” consider this your polite interruption.

Pivoting is much easier when you’re not already stuck in traffic.

The tank is full now. The road is open. Future You will be very grateful for the steps you take now. So what's one action item you can put on your calendar today?

Christy Sharafinski

Your go-to college essay + admissions mentor

P.S. If your teen’s list already feels suspiciously “final,” it might be time for a quick vibe check before the cement fully sets. Hit “reply” and tell me what's going on in your world…I'm here to help.