“So, where are you applying to college?”
If I had a quarter for every well-meaning relative who cornered a teenager with, “So, where do you hope to go to college?” I’d be retired on a private island by now.
But for most juniors and seniors, that question doesn’t feel like a well-meaning curiosity. It lands like a pop quiz they didn’t study for. And because humans are deeply allergic to the unknown, teen (humans) often do exactly what we adult (humans) do in shaky future-plan moments…
They rush to do anything that take off that sense of pressure.
So a college they might've visited for an hour or two can be taken from the “we’re just talking” phase to “we’re basically engaged”. They buy the sweatshirt and start saying the name out loud to anyone who will listen, as if it's already decided.
But here’s the reality: until acceptance letters are in hand, they’re not choosing, they’re just exploring.
This early stage isn’t about commitment or certainty. It’s about curiosity, gathering information, and seeing what options even exist. You can’t pick “the one” when you haven’t met all (or at least a bunch more) of the candidates yet.
That’s why every teen’s college list needs a “Friend Zone” phase.
Sure, having a definitive “here's my plan” answer can sound mature and college-ready, but repeating the same school (or major) ten times in December and January can quietly create problems.
Here’s how I see it: confidently repeating some college name is usually a coping mechanism to deal with that feeling of pressure. But the more that answer gets repeated, the harder it sets.
And while I love a good visualization and I’m all for optimism… this repetition and short-changing of the process can set teens up for more pressure later, especially if there's a deferral, waitlist (FYI: NC State does this to SO many students - ugh), or rejection.
And causing MORE pressure? I’m not a fan.
This is why I give my students explicit permission to fib (okay, lie).
When the Great Aunt or the nosy neighbor pounces, I tell them to rotate answers. One person hears “schools in the Pacific Northwest.” Another hears “still exploring options.” My personal favorite remains: “Clown School.”
It breaks the spell.
It reminds the teen that certainty is not required yet. The goal right now isn’t to be "taken" — it’s to be discerning.
Taking the Relationship from
“Just Talking” to “The One”
Before a school moves from casual dating to exclusive territory, I want three things to be true. This is the same framework I use in my one-on-one sessions to ensure a student isn't just picking a name they (or their family) have heard a dozen times before, but choosing a place where they can actually live, learn, and grow for four years.
1. Mutual Fit (aka: The No-Trophy Policy) 🤝
Liking a school is easy. Living there — day after day, week after week — is the real test.
This is where families often get tripped up. Prestige can feel impressive. Acceptance rates can feel validating. But neither tells you whether your student will thrive once the excitement wears off.
What actually matters is compatibility — how this school fits your teen as they are right now, not just who they hope to become.
That’s why I always point families toward the unglamorous (but essential) questions:
The learning curve: Does the academic pace and rigor align with how your teen actually studies, not the fantasy or aspirational version?
The reality check: When the freshman honeymoon period is over (typically by November) and your teen is tired, overwhelmed, or just wants to be themselves, is this a place — and a community — that will support that version of them?
The Tuesday test: Does the campus still feel like where your teen would want to be when it’s a rainy Tuesday, the tour guides are gone, and it’s just them, their dorm room, and a long week ahead?
Real fit is beyond that first-date attraction. It's about sustainability.
2. Keeping the Bench Warm (The Power of Optionality) 🔄
Healthy relationships don’t make you delete your whole contact list. College lists shouldn’t, either.
Until acceptance letters are on the table, your teen is still dating because the relationship hasn’t fully revealed itself yet.
I’m working with a few seniors right now whose first choices said "no," while schools they once labeled as backups are saying “YES!” And because they didn’t lock themselves into one story early, they’re not spiraling. They’re adapting.
Here's what has kept their bench warm:
Take with Big Swings: Apply to that dream school, even if it's a huge reach. Remember, you lose 100% of the shots you don't take. Go ahead, aim for the stars!
The Depth of Your Bench: If a school says "not today," you want a roster of other great choice schools in the mix that still feel like real possibilities. Just like with a team, these schools will have particular things they offer that could be a real gift to your teen if they make a match later.
Leave the Door Open: It's harder to pivot if you’ve already told yourself there’s only one acceptable outcome. Leave space. The clarity comes in perfect timing.
And then — once the offers start coming in — the work shifts.
3. The No-Defensiveness Test ⚖️
When a teen can explain why a school works for them without sounding like they’re reading a brochure or defending a choice to a jury, the relationship is getting real.
You can check this box when they can talk about:
Specifics over "vibes": They can name a club, a professor, or a specific curriculum quirk that actually excites them. (This is why the “Why Us?” essay is my favorite. When it's done well, the student usually ends up liking the school more because now their story about it is grounded in reality.)
Ownership: They aren't referencing rankings, brand names (unless that's a school that truly is a great match for them), what their friends think, or where someone else went and likes it.
Confidence: They can explain the choice calmly—without over-explaining or justifying it.
That’s how earned clarity sounds.
🌟
A Note to the Junior Who Feels Behind
If you’re reading this and feeling the itch to just pick something so people stop asking: Take a breath.
🚦 You're not late.
🧭 You're not behind.
🔑 You're in the most important phase of the process.
Discernment. (a.k.a. the ability to judge well.) It takes time — just like any real relationship.
You don’t decide someone is “The One” after one coffee date or a quick campus tour. Stay curious, ask more questions, and notice how things feel once the initial sparkle wears off.
That means controlling what you can:
Go beyond the homepage and dig into actual programs.
Look at internships, outcomes, and how students spend their time outside class.
Pay attention to whether the school still feels right after a second look… or a deeper one.
The strongest, most authentic college lists come from teens who stay in the unknown a little longer than is socially comfortable — not because they’re stuck, but because they’re paying attention.
That’s not indecision. It’s wisdom. And anyone demanding an answer before the relationship is fully formed can take a number.
You have my permission to keep dating the list a little longer. 🙌
Stay curious. Stay grounded. And stay in the process.
Christy Sharafinski
Your go-to college essay + admissions mentor
P.S. If your teen’s list feels oddly “locked in” a little too early, it might be time for a vibe check. This is exactly the moment where a small reset can prevent a lot of heartache downstream. Hit reply and let’s talk about it.
P.P.S. Know another family currently being interrogated by well-meaning relatives? Forward this to them. They need to know about the "Clown School" defense.
👋 Hi, if we haven't met yet, I'm Christy. I help students craft standout essays so they can submit their best possible applications with confidence.
Wanna chat? www.calendly.com/easiercollegeessays/30min
